The word “addiction” can bring many things to mind. For most, it’s drugs and alcohol that come up first. For some, it’s pornography. For others, it’s social media and streaming sites. It can even be food.
For me, my number one addiction also happened to be my eating disorder. The cycle went something like this: eating > feeling immense shame and panic > throwing up > feeling an even more intense shame > eating to soothe that debilitating feeling > once again feeling the shame and panic from eating. It was a pattern that continued in a decade long cycle. How can one break out of that? I was in it so deep that by the time I was 15 and could truly understand the consequences of my actions, I felt hopeless. I believed the pathways in my brain leading me to this behavior were too engrained… I couldn’t find a way out no matter how hard I tried to control myself, yet I still believed I had to get control before I could tell anyone. I was trapped in a double life of seeming fine to everyone who knew me, while truly suffering in a deep pit of despair and lack that I couldn’t escape from.
When I was an older teen, I was introduced to cannabis… something I used to swear I would never engage in. Just like I can clearly remember the first time I made myself throw up, I can clearly remember the first time I used the drug. I felt calm for the first time in years because I wasn’t obsessing over my bulimic cycle while I was high. I remember thinking, “oh no… I’m not going to be able to stop doing this,” and it was true. Smoking cannabis was never a casual habit for me, I was instantly hooked. Moderation was never something anyone seemed to be concerned with in drug and alcohol culture, so I convinced myself I didn’t have to be concerned with moderation either. I began struggling heavily with my identity at this time. I had no clue who I was anymore. Which part of my double life was truly me? Or was the true me hidden somewhere in between? How could anyone ever love me if I didn’t even know who I was? They would only be loving who they thought I was, the fake and put together me. All I knew was I didn’t like any part of myself… not just physically anymore, but mentally. I felt the same value as a pile of garbage.
My smoking habit quickly began to mirror my pattern of secrecy. I never smoked with more than I few people, but even that was rare. I preferred engaging in my habit alone. Nobody other than a few close friends and those I dated at the time knew this about me. I didn’t seem like someone who struggled with such a thing. I treated it like my bulimia and tried to keep it hidden.
When I found the Lord and pledged my life to Him, I was immediately delivered from my addiction to cannabis. (Along with many other mindsets and patterns that I will unpack in future posts). Well, at least for a few months. I knew in my heart that it was wrong, and I promised God that I would never engage in it again, but about six months after this I began hanging around some people who smoked it. I was weak in my theological understanding, and because they claimed to be Christians and said it was fine, I eventually fell into smoking with them occasionally. In a matter of weeks, I found myself back in the pit of this addiction and finding ways to smoke alone. All my old patterns surrounding the drug came flooding back.
I began to question God. Was I really delivered? Can one truly be healed from any addiction? Will there always be struggle attached to this? Did I ruin the freedom God gave to me, and if so, would he ever free me again? I now know that the answer to these questions is YES! There IS true freedom! And NO! God does not have us run out of chances of deliverance… it was my own belief that I wasted my chance of freedom that kept me bound.
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I know this is heavy stuff but like I said in my last post, I believe in being vulnerable and transparent: the essence of this page. Transparency not only frees up the one sharing from shame, but those currently struggling with these things from feeling alone. Now that I have laid out the basics of my story, the posts to follow will begin focusing on my journey to freedom. Until then, please know my DMs are open. I would love to pray for and chat with anyone who can relate to anything I have written. God is GOOD! He is waiting with open arms to free you again, and again, and again!